Tag Archives: life

So That’s What It Feels Like…

My maternal grandmother has a bitter kola addiction. She pops them in her mouth like Skittles. Whenever I’m at her house in Lagos, she always has a handful by her side at all times. When she’s on the move, she has a few stashed in her hand bag. She’s a very cultured woman, don’t get me wrong but she’s indigenously invested simultaneously. She uses chewing sticks even though she brushes her teeth with a toothbrush in the mornings. She likes to sit on the floor and sift through melon seeds (egusi, if you’re about it) even though you can get them cleaned and safe to cook from the shops anyway. My mum always nags her to give up the kola as it’s “mashing up her teeth and God knows what else” but my grandma always replies with “it’s what’s going to kill you that you want to eat” (She says it in Yoruba but that’s the direct-ish translation).

I was in my home, being mindlessly vacant when I had an epiphany. Okay, maybe not an epiphany but a realisation. You know when something just clicks?

I think everyone has or has had or will have that person or that thing that you want to keep around even though deep down, you know there isn’t a plausible future for either of you. You know that this thing or this person has been accompanied with a million and one warning signals, people left right and centre have been yelling “He/She/It is no good for you! Run, b*tch, RUN!” but you’ve just been there, wondering what the hell the fuss was about. You’re the one going “But, look at how cute they are. Look at how happy they make me. Can’t you see this smile? This wasn’t there before, you know this!” You justify the bullshit they’ve brought about for the moments of delight they’ve also brought about. He/she/it is what you want to eat despite the fact that he/she/it is no good for you. But then, the penny absolutely causes an outright explosion as it drops. Everything finally makes sense. Nothing necessarily has to offset this lucidity but when you notice what’s going on, you finally see that everyone screaming at you to run just had your best interest at heart.

Honesty hour, remember my post 2 weeks ago where I mentioned falling in love? I’m not going to say “I’ve seen the light, I wasn’t in love!” because that would be lying but what I will say is I know that I am not ending up with him. You know sometimes, you think you and a particular someone will drift in and out of whatever it is you guys are calling it nowadays (a relationship? A thing?) but ultimately become that couple who says “we’ve weathered hell and high waters but we made it. We ended up together”. But I KNOW that isn’t happening. I don’t know what made me have this eye opener but I’ve had it and there’s going back.

It feels good to finally be on the same wavelength as my brain and my heart. Cohesion is powerful. Cohesion is beautiful. You don’t feel like anything is lacking, you don’t see yourself surrounded by a lifetime’s supply of Ben & Jerry’s whilst Katy Perry’s “The One That Got Away” is vigorously being repeated in the background of your miserable existence.

I’m making a pre-New Year’s resolution to myself: I’m going to be real. I’m going to be honest and transparent with myself and with my audience because there’s no integrity or necessity in faking it. I almost wrote a blog post on 20 facts about Christmas that I was prepared to spend my Sunday night researching but hey, looks like being open was the better option. The whole point of this blog is to see how I grow and in order for there to be growth, I have to be real. Like, aggressively real. “Jesus, take the wheel” has become my saying and when I say it, I actually do mean it but today, Jesus has really taken it. Keep steering, Lord. Keep steering.

Mini Rant of the Week: I don’t think the fact that I’m in university has sunk in for a lot of people including my mother. This morning, I was getting ready to leave my house and I was tying my shoelaces on my brand new Huaraches (I know, I was sucked in to the phenomenon that is Nike and I did what almost every newly inducted student does, I spent a small fortune on a pair of trainers. But they’re so damn comfortable) and my mum said “hmm, be prepared for the flood of compliments as you walk into college today.” Quickly, I said “I’m not going to college, I’m a university student” because hey, everyone has a slip of tongue every now and again so it could have been an honest mistake. But then you know what my mother said? She said “yeah, whatever.” Has there been some role reversal that I’m not aware of or since when has my mother giving me stage 2 oh-my-gosh-mum-leave-me-alone attitude become a thing?! Fine, I find myself making that mistake too, I say I’m going to college but then I mentally bite myself and grind “no, you’re going to university” into my cerebellum. Well, I know what’s going to solve this mistake everyone keeps making one too many times. I’m moving out next year. Simple.

Song of the Week – Everybody Nose – N*E*R*D (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBhXO40uO7g)

Quote of the Week – “Rather than cramming Christmas carols down my auditory canals, I’m vigorously jamming to Jill Scott and Major Lazer.” – Georgina D (Yes, I’m quoting myself. I come up with some real gems occasionally, okay?)