Tag Archives: change

Wading

I feel like I have to give a disclaimer before I get a call asking if I'm okay. I couldn't sleep and at precisely 0313, I did what I've been putting off for so long – I wrote. This is what came of it.

And I’m here. Reading our story and feeling so fucking overwhelmed by the utter dysfunction of it all, wondering how I managed to find love in you, in your absurdity. I can’t help but feel you’ve broken me forever and you won’t ever understand because it doesn’t matter half as much to you as it does to me. Nobody will understand. Nobody has been in love with you the way I was in love with you.

I'm floating in you, in what I want you to be. You can see me, clear as day and you know what I want yet you deny me heaven. And I deny myself by clinging on to the idea that is so evidently not you. Either I drown here and the death of me will open your eyes to the actuality of what you've done or I save myself, never to wade in you again but know you're still here, being what I don't need you to be – not mine.

I'm learning and desperately trying to unlearn the mechanisms I have used to keep myself together in this time of healing. I let myself cry, I let myself think, I let myself grieve and I realise I'm living a life that no longer exists to appease you.

Finality isn't what I thought it would be. It didn't bring about the coldness of the loneliness I know I need. I feel open. I am not new but I am.

I’d like to say thank you to everyone who encouraged me to start this again. From the people who asked me if I was still writing, to those who asked me to start writing again and to those who simply said they missed my blog. It makes me teary-eyed to think I’ve touched people enough for them to notice my absence and to care to ask me to try this all again. It means the world to me.

Just One Resolution

I haven’t felt inclined to write for a long time. I could lie and say I’ve had too much to do but besides studying, I really don’t do much and even the amount of studying I do is debatable. I have tried though. I can’t count the number of times I’ve sat on my bed, my legs crossed, my lights low and my eyes glued on a blank document, the cursor blinking at me, patiently waiting for me to do something but I couldn’t. No one asked why I hadn’t posted anything and I was surprisingly grateful for that too. It’s pressure and pressure leads to me writing absolute crap. I know, you don’t have to say it.

But here we are, in 2016 and I’m doing this. Happy New Year, everyone.

I don’t have any resolutions. Well, I had one but I think I’ve seen the light and realised how truly idiotic it was. I’m turning 20 in approximately 5 months. The actualisation of this only just sunk in about 3 weeks ago. And as expected, I freaked the fuck out. In my mind, I have, or better yet, had a timeline of how I wanted my life to pan out. I’m a semi-existentialist; I like to think I have some control over my destiny. On my timeline, around this time, I wanted to be able to drive, be living away from home, fully settled into university, be encapsulated by a self-confidence that could shatter concrete and of course, be in love. And when I consolidated what I had anticipated for myself and what I actually am, the big jigsaw puzzle that was missing really sent me into panic mode. I started thinking I was broken, like there was something wrong with me and I vowed to myself that by the 6th of May, I would be in something that resembled a relationship, by fire, by force. The people who I told this to all said the same thing: “what’s the big deal?” and it exasperated me that they couldn’t see what I was seeing. But the fact that they didn’t see what was so monumental about being 20 and single made me re-evaluate everything too and I came up with this new resolution: I won’t babble about singledom anymore. I won’t talk about boys anymore, I won’t cry about how “lonely” I feel or how “jealous” I am at the blossoming relationships around me. I’ll wait but I won’t sit and wait and I don’t want this blog to sit either.

So, with that being said, prepare to be introduced to a different side of me, I suppose. I want to try all kinds of things on here, I want to write stories, I want to collaborate, if I can teach Mandarin on here, I swear I will. I want to try new things, I want to continuously remind myself that a world exists outside the realm of boys and relationships that I’ve so tightly wound myself up in. This will be my little experiment. I will be consistent and I will post once a week, I promise. I just want to be open here, I want to grow and let you all see. I’m excited about this, I really am.

Oh and this is the year where I will edit wisely and justify my text before publishing because having it all aligned to the left is a mess.

Alrighty, see you next week!

Georgina ❤

Songs of the Week (it’s been a while)

The Issue At Hand Evolves

I have been MIA for way too long, I know. I couldn’t think of what to write and I wasn’t even prepared to bullshit you or myself through something meaningless. They say time is the best answer to everything (they don’t, I’m just making it up as I go along) but that’s all I needed. I got my mojo back.

When we were little, there was always this curiousity towards the opposite sex. There was the whole “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” kind of thing. There was this air of innocent intrigue, keyword being innocent. From year 4-6 of primary school, the whole class used to chill together, we were all friends, good friends, friends that MSN’d together at 6pm until dinner was ready. I personally think I skipped the “boys have cooties” phase, I was born hormonally charged. I’ve always liked boys; I didn’t shy for them nor them me either. I think I had my first kiss when I was 8. I remember being so blasé when we’d play truth or dare as young’uns when first kisses were imagined by others and cherished on the top shelf of the mind of others, kept with all the much-loved memories. I didn’t see it as something monumental. It was just a thing. It was almost something I could do without.

Did your mum ever give you that talk that scared the shit out of you when you were younger? Did she ever tell you touching a boy could get you pregnant? I am so lucky for a mother who didn’t wreck my mind like that. I don’t think I knew the actual mechanics of sex until I was 11/12. Boarding school made sure I knew every single excruciating detail.

But what I’m saying is, when we were young, heterosexual friendships weren’t something that was out of the blue. They didn’t threaten anyone, really. Seeing a young boy and a girl being friends didn’t necessarily raise eyebrows as it does now. Drama evolves with time. It may have been around when we were prepubescent and it is ever so present now that we are grown but it’s just so much more in your face. The fact that you’re not meant to have a genuinely friendly friendship with a member of the opposite sex is fiercely shoved down your throat. You are almost taught to believe your platonic relationship is destined to become tinged by attraction eventually. Just wait on it.

For instance, let’s say your girlfriend/boyfriend has a best friend of the opposite sex. Wouldn’t you want to know everything about this supposed best friend; be everywhere when your significant other and said best friend are together and most importantly, know whether they are having/had sex or not? It is just impossible to have peace of mind when your lover has an opposite sex friend who was there before you. There’s no way you would allow for such a friendship to form when you are in the picture, no way in hell.

Once we reach a particular age, I’m going to say 16 as that is the legal age (stay safe, kids) even though I witnessed this and have lived this since I was 12 – platonic relationships between the sexes do not exist. You cannot have a friend who is a boy/girl and just leave it at that level. There is always that underlining tone of sex being whispered in the background even if you know in your heart that you’re not necessarily attracted to the person. I remember I was texting someone I had just met and we were in that phase of asking questions and once I got past the standard enquiries such as how old are you, where are you from, what university are you studying in, I went straight for “do you have a girlfriend?” even though I knew I wouldn’t ever be with this person in any way shape or form. Or the time I was texting someone whom I had again just met and less than an hour into our text-versation and establishing common ground, he was asking to meet with a wink emoji. The wink emoji. It’s almost primal, dare I say it. Maybe it’s our bodies’ way of ensuring we find a mate and by doing so, we are psychologically programmed to find a potential, secure said potential, establish then eliminate competition. Occasionally and unknowingly, you just catch yourself on the first step of this process and ask yourself “wait what? I don’t even like him/her, what the hell am I doing?”

I guess with age, what is important to me changes. I’m getting old, I am 19 years of age. Before I can blink, the –teen will be a distant memory. With age comes maturity; comes change that I can’t fend off even if I wanted to. My attention has shifted to what matters now but might not matter in 10 years. Tastes have changed, tolerance has changed. Things that mattered, don’t. Things that I couldn’t think about without feeling a huge swirl of emotion only make me smile now. Every little thing that happens to me is a lesson to be learnt, wisdom to be acquired, another gem to be kept. The drama evolves but it will always be around. Maybe when I’m 29, I’ll look back at this phase in time and laugh too.

Song of the Week

This song makes me bust a move.

 

And this tune tune tuneeee. This album came out the year I was born.

I will be back, promise. I’ve missed writing. I’ve missed you, blogosphere.

Until then,

Georgina ❤

 

Guide to Survival for a 21st Century Pre-Adult

In no particular order, of course.

1.Open Your Mouth: if you don’t say what you want or say what’s on your mind, no one will hear you. There is no such thing as mind-reading and people can be surprisingly oblivious to body language. Speak. You have a mouth, use it. It will get you places, I can guarantee it.

2. The Second Law of Motion: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Think about it. (It’s actually the Third Law, as Arch-Lancer Udofa graciously pointed out.)

3. Believe in your slay, obviously.

4. Heart & Mind: understand that it is perfectly okay to care about someone and not be attached to them. Be it a friend, an ex, an estranged family member: it’s fine. You’re not abnormal. It happens. It’s just healthier to be apart from some people but they will always have a special place in your heart. Just keep it in there.

5. Expand Your Horizon: it really irritates me and I’m pretty sure it irritates you when people think life exists in the 4 walls they’ve created for themselves. Don’t be those people: watch the news despite how disheartening it is most of the time; listen to a different genre of music once in a while (hint: listen to my damn songs of the week, jeez); read a book; watch a documentary; go to a museum; put down your phone and appreciate the world we’ve been blessed to live in. Notice, appreciate and consciously decide to acquire more to appreciate.

6. Here’s a bucket-load of Responsibility: so you’re probably 18 or just about there. There are people at this age who are married, who have kids, who don’t live off the Bank of Mum & Dad. I’m not one of those people, my parents are my lifeline but don’t think excuses are going to get you anywhere: plan yourself; don’t say dumb shit like “I woke up late” if you get to class late and wonder why the lecturer gets pissed at you; prioritise if having a decent life matters to you; budget (to my peeps living alone, I honestly salute you all). Have fun moderately, work moderately and life will be a breeze.

7. Chill, don’t be so quick to react. Wisdom is not achieved by smacking someone in the face or verbally assaulting someone who rubs you up the wrong way. Take a deep breath, contemplate and see whether it’s worth it. And if it is, tear the bitch to shreds, you savage.

8. Talk: it’s almost like the first point but it’s different, of course. Don’t allow your emotional products to accumulate. It’s like reacting marble chips with sulphuric acid, you’ll get carbon dioxide and if you use a stopper during this reaction, you will eventually get a glass shard in your eye: it will explode. Avoid exploding, talk about it to someone or something (i.e. a journal, a blog, a wall if you’re into that kind of thing). Everyone needs someone, it can’t be helped. We are human after all.

9. Don’t be an asshole: I think this is just as basic as saying please and thank you. Don’t be rude; don’t abandon people who have helped you get to where you are: I accept you outgrow people but don’t just discard them, it’s wrong. Be the person you would like to be friends with.

10. If you want something, go and get it: having your hand held does not apply for us anymore. You are the pilot of your own life, there is no one else to blame but you if an opportunity passes you by. Do it.

11. It’s okay to not be a trendsetter, not all of us can be trailblazers. Don’t think you’re any less significant because you like to be a trend-follower every now and again. Just don’t become the trends. Be you in the midst of it all.

12. Moisturise: no one wants to see your ashy self. Vaseline, befriend it, slather your lips in it.

Yes, I’m serious, Kanye. Ashy has never been in style. NEVER.

Congratulations, you’re now well on your way and adulthood is within your reach. Keep your head high, focus on what’s ahead of you and voila, you’re in there.

Rant of the Week (yes, I’m ranting, at last): So, is everyone aware of this whole Kylie Jenner and Tyga debacle that everyone seems to have an opinion about? Well, here’s mine: mind your business. Nowadays, people get way too emotionally invested in matters that have absolutely nothing to do with them. I’ve seen tweets of people saying Tyga should be arrested or he’s abusing her or this or that, blah. It shouldn’t concern you, are you Kylie’s mouthpiece? Even if she is dating him: a) It would be perfectly legal in the UK (legal age is 16, there were talks of them lowering it to 14, mind you) so think about it, why is it legal here and not in the US? b) I don’t blame her, maybe he treats her right, a lot of fuckboys exist in the 16-18 age bracket, didn’t you know?

All I’m saying, why should anyone give a damn? No one’s getting hurt, don’t see why you should be bursting a blood vessel over something that has nothing to do with you. I didn’t see myself ever writing about this but I guess I just did. Boom.

Tweet of the Week: 

Song of the Week: Pharrell – Angel (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOlFDd1pfI8)

Have an amazeballs week, guys. Thank you for your continuous support 🙂

Georgina ❤

How Am I Dying?

I am ever the optimist and occasionally the pessimist. Better yet, I’m ever the realistic optimist and occasionally the enthusiastic pessimist.
That being said, I have an idea of how I’m going to die. Whenever I feel a pain that comes and goes, I envision it becoming something that will inevitably kill me. I’m not afraid of death, I’m just not a fan of an untimely death.

Here are some of the ways I see myself dying in a timely manner, of course:
1. Cardiac Arrest (short and sweet)
2. Aneurysm (a blood clot in my brain exploding)
3. A brain tumour (my least favourite)
4. A broken heart (say my husband of 500 years dies or something. I’m going to will death to come my way)
5. Loneliness
6. Old age, in my bed, in my sleep.

I think I want to donate my body to science or get cremated. Either one. I don’t want to end up in the ground if my dead body can still be put to good use.

I’m not morbid, I’m not fascinated with death but I’m not afraid to talk about it. Death is not a person that appears when its name is mentioned frequently. It is a phenomenon of life, a transition from this life to the next. It is brought to others too soon.

I don’t think Michael Brown envisioned his life ending the way it did. I don’t even think he considered how he could have died. Does anyone contemplate the possibility of being shot by those who are paid by their own tax money to protect them? From now on, this is a reality. Generations will have to actually stop and consider being killed by a person in authority solely because of the colour of their skin.

I’m not American, let alone an African-American but I felt seriously and personally disturbed when I heard about the shooting in Ferguson. For some reason, I became heavily emotionally invested in Michael Brown’s death. I tried my best to stay aware of what was happening and I tried to garner this information from the most reliable sources such as Twitter and Tumblr. No one will cite Twitter or Tumblr in an essay but they are the only 2 sources for any form of news that I will run to first. Yes, they are heavily biased forms of news. Yes, there are dedicated news channels for that sort of thing and yes, the reporters are seemingly standing right in the middle of the battlefield but they don’t give legit opinions, heartfelt or intelligible.
Anyway, I saw some tweets and pictures and they broke my heart over and over again.

 

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I’m probably not entitled to have this opinion but I’m giving it anyway. It upsets me. I’m physically upset because of this verdict. There are a shitload of things wrong with this world but when has killing ever been okay? Fine, Michael robbed a store but he wasn’t exactly posing a threat to humanity.
I’m upset because this is not the first and it definitely won’t be the last.
I’m hugely upset at myself because I believe in turning the other cheek but I’m pissed off because his killer didn’t get any jail time.
I’m upset because Michael’s life hadn’t even begun. He was my age. I’m here, living and breathing, getting an education, existing whilst his name will forever be associated with three of the biggest issues in America: gun crime, police brutality and injustice.
It upsets me that my feelings about this can’t remain within the boundaries of him being shot unnecessarily by a police officer but within the ambiguous bubble of him being black and his killer being white.
I don’t understand how progress regarding sexual equality is being made but people still cannot accept something as fundamental as the colour of a person’s skin. Why does a God-given attribute such as melanin have to determine how a person is treated? Is this real? Begin to realise the massive void between the opportunities and treatments towards people of colour and people who aren’t of colour.
I’m not a hater, I’m not anything. I’m just… upset.

I want to be the person who says every life matters because they do, we are all human beings first of all. But, this world is really making it hard to believe in that. People really do need to understand that black lives matter. They always have and they always will.

Here in the United Kingdom, racism is very alive. There are political parties running for parliament whose whole agenda is based on getting rid of a vast majority of ethnicities. At least for now, I have the confidence that I won’t be killed by a police officer by a gun. And don’t even give me that “if you don’t like it, go back to where you came from” crap. Just don’t. That’s a whole other blog in its self.

Yes, the verdict was passed a week ago but I’m still sprung on this. I won’t, or better yet, I cannot let it go. I’m not writing this for views, I’m writing this for a release, an outlet. I’m utilising my freedom of expression to enlighten others or at least, share my feelings about this. If you don’t know who Michael Brown is, educate yourself and realise that life does not exist within four walls of ignorant bliss.

Racism is and always will be among us as will sexism, ageism and all the other isms we’ve created. As human beings, we are fundamentally seflish. It even says in the Bible, “The heart of man is desperately wicked.” I’m no saint: I’ve been racist, sexist and ageist and all the other ists before in my life too but that’s not what I wake up in the morning to be. I strive to be a decent person because I want people to be decent to each other and myself too. Why can’t we all strive to be at least decent? At the end of the day, it’s just blood, bone and melanin. Blood, bone and melanin.

Rest in Peace, Michael.

Plot Twist: It Doesn’t Go As Planned

So last week’s post hit home with a lot of you guys which I’m super happy about. It’s good to know that there are a lot of people in the same boat as me when it comes to matters of the heart.
However, my number one fan (you know who you are) gave me some solid, ground-shatteringly good advice that I can’t help but share: “stop looking for love.”

It seems like a no-brainer but you’d be surprised at how unconsciously I do just that. Now, I’m not parading the corridors of my university with a banner screaming “I’m single. Take me now” but I fantasise (in the clean way, obviously). I daydream a lot about what my future holds and who it will contain and how my mystery man will look and how many kids we’ll have and all that stuff. Such daydreaming is healthy, I guess, but not to the point where almost any eligible bachelor is scrutinised heavily and then you mentally score him out of 10, depending on how close he matches up to your mind’s idea of “this is who you will spend your life with”. I’m guilty of this. I do it every day but I’m going to have to take up this advice because of another one of those clichéd taglines that inevitably affect us all: nothing goes as planned!

Honesty hour, I didn’t want to study pharmaceutical science. I’d always wanted to be a dental hygienist. Actually no, I wanted to be a dentist. Well, I wanted to be a doctor. Really, my first dream job ever was to be a singer but that ship sailed pretty quickly, naturally. With a dental-orientated career path in mind, I planned everything out and it all had to go to plan or else I was doomed. But hey, sh*t happens. You can’t be left holding on to a dream that obviously isn’t going to happen because it simply isn’t going to happen.

So, you improvise. You work with what you have.

I’m kind of adopting the “going with the flow” mentality because it doesn’t set me up for failure. I’ve come to truly appreciate people who say they don’t know what they want to do or who they want to be because it’s okay to not know. It’s okay to not have your life mapped out. I used to think such people didn’t want to live a good life but they turned out to be doing the smartest thing ever: they could never truly feel disappointment because they didn’t set themselves up for it. It’s good to have goals, don’t get me wrong, but I think it’s a lot healthier to not set your judgement on whether you’ve failed in life on whether you attain these goals or not. Right now, I don’t know what job I can get with my degree, I don’t know what type of life I’ll live after university, I don’t even know if I’ll end up with this particular degree, I’m trying not to think about who I’ll end up with and quite frankly, I’m not that worried. When I reach those hurdles, I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to get my leg over it.

I just want you to know that life is not what it seems, it is not as clear cut as you hope. So, if it does all seem like a mess and you don’t know what to do next, just let it be. Let what you are so hell-bent on controlling be. Everything happens for a reason and there’s a reason for your life taking an odd left on the highway of it all. Ride with the tide and you’ll be amazed at where it takes you.

To end this amazingly inspirational blog post, here’s a quote from the flawlessly flawless Beyoncé: “Enjoy your life, it’s short. And that’s the message.”

Mini Rant of the Week – This is going to sound rude but oh well: why does inspiration always seem to hit certain people in Starbucks? Why? Why does it so conveniently hit those writers that are sat, perfectly poised at the coveted window seat with their MacBook Airs’, notebooks sprawled with messy notes and of course, the Starbucks mug covered in lipstick stains just so you know they’ve been there for a while. I don’t understand it. It’s like the ultimate writer’s cliché. Are the employees at Starbucks instructed to sprinkle something in the air that attacks people who are armed and ready with their laptops in their bags? It irritates me. It makes me feel that some of the integrity of writing is lost because people will automatically think you came up with your total gem of written gold in the window seat at Starbucks with a MacBook Air in front of you.
And before you ask, this little explosion hit me on the train… just after I’d left Starbucks.

Song of the Week – I’ve been replaying the On The Run Tour version of Beyoncé’s “Countdown” for the past 7 days. It’s too damn good.

Quote of the Week – see main blog post.