I made a discovery this week and it is this: I don’t like people knowing I have a blog. It’s been a year. I should be used to having one and people reading it and telling me they like it but I still have a panic attack every time a new person raises their eyebrows at whatever screen is in front of them as they vocalise “Oh? You have a blog?” I almost want it to be a secret. I don’t want anyone to know.
My lecturer didn’t show up for one of my classes this week so I was just making small talk with a newfound friend. We got onto the subject of Instagram and I found out he can draw, like amazingly well. He was nearly shuddering with shyness, he was so embarrassed about me gushing over his talent and I didn’t really understand why it was such a big deal until he landed on my page and I forgot I had put my freaking website in my biography. With the largest amount of surprise in his voice, he was like “What’s this? Is it a blog?” then he went silent then he went “wow” then didn’t say anything about it again and all this while, I was rigid. Rigid with, what I now admit to being fear. The fear of being found out. I almost felt like a fraud.
I have these moments of utter identity breakdown a lot. Like, a lot, you know me. Almost every little thing makes me want to re-evaluate my life to the point where I feel like I’ve never amounted to anything spectacular in the first place, it freaks me out. This blog makes me feel that way a lot. I like writing it and when people respond to it, I do feel elation, extremely, even. But simultaneously, when people discover it and I know who they are, I feel like something changes in that moment, like they view me in a different light. And I don’t like this light. There’s a change for the smallest fraction of time. It’s almost like they’re disappointed. Maybe I’m reading it wrong or maybe I just know some crappy people.
I always say it but I don’t look like I blog. Based on stereotypical assumptions gathered solely from first glances, if I were to squash myself into a specific criteria through a Venn diagram (visualise it with me), blogging or any form of smacking letters into a Word document in my free time wouldn’t be anywhere near my circle. It’s just not what pops into your head when you see me or maybe even know me a little. Even I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and think “You? Blog? Nah.”
I’m a conglomeration of all these supposed skills and hobbies and experiences and interests and cool oddness and I express it in a way I like but I just don’t want people I know to know because I think it changes perceptions drastically. Strangers are my kind of people. They don’t know me enough to be able to weigh up my two different “personalities”, I guess. I wouldn’t know if my actual physical presence differs much from my online presence.
Why does any of this even matter to me? “I don’t know,” she wails, as she throws her hands to the sky in frustrated frustration. Frustration squared. I think – I do a lot of thinking here in case you hadn’t noticed – I’m just trying to rationalise my feelings. I’m trying to do that now. Instead of feeling things and wallowing in these feelings for God knows how long, I try to ascertain why I should allow myself to dwell in such an emotional state if it’s not going to be beneficial in the long run or if I can’t see that far ahead in situ, for that moment. It’s a new life thing I’m trying out, as you do.
Literal eureka moment, I have it: I’m battling with the notion of uniqueness. I want to be unique and this blog, believe it or not, is what I think gives me my edge. But this perception of me being unique is what I don’t like. I don’t agree with people thinking this thing I do makes me unique at all because in the end, it doesn’t. A lot of people blog… but no one does it like I do. See? It’s such a mess but it’s a fathomable mess. But then again, the only thing that really gives me any form of comfort in the midst of all of this is something my really cool friend once told me: “everyone is unique so no one is.”
I should have my shit together by next week, hopefully.
Georgina ❤ ❤ (two hearts because I forgot to give you one last time)
Songs of The Week (listen to them or else)