It’s been a rather chilled week and since it consisted of me writing notes; finding, watching and obsessing over this show called Sex Sent Me To The ER; my aunt bringing forth new life into the world, I figured I should talk about two of the three.
Firstly, this show is real so all the cases are real, the patients are real, doctors are legit, their sexual adventures going awfully wrong are insanely real. I couldn’t bring myself to not share some of the funniest ones with you because, that would be so selfish of me.
1. This couple were in to fantasies and they had this thing called Slutty Saturdays where they’d get down and dirty. So, the guy bought his girl a giant gummy bear and she was like “you know what would be so hot? If we melt it and you can eat it off me.” At this point, I’m already laughing my lungs out because anybody could have seen where this was going! Her man melts it, it’s steaming hot, starts drizzling it on her and she’s like “okay, this is hot” and he’s all like “yeah, yeah, hot” but then Auntie Gummy Bear starts saying “no, no, it’s super hot” and you know what he says? He says “it is super hot and the fact that it’s super hot is making me super hot”. I was crying by now. Long story short, she ended up with 3rd degree burns.
2. A 440 pound guy (199kg) met a girl who loved him regardless of his size and she took it upon herself to pop his cherry. He was on top, she was on the bottom. As he was riding her into the sunlight, his thrust game was a tad too strong and boom, he sent her head through a wall. An actual wall. She had a concussion.
3. A teenage couple were making up after a little lover’s spat. The girl wanted to make it up to him so she wanted to bless with him with a little… ahem. In the heat of the moment, they heard footsteps, her popsie was about to come in. She managed to dislodge her jaw so her mouth was wide open, like an o, until the doctor had to slot it back into place. Her boyfriend jumped out of the window before the dad killed him and dislocated his shoulder.
One more because it’s my favourite scenario so far
This man arrived in the emergency room, butt-naked with a broken arm, broken leg, cracked ribs, the lot. He was reluctant to give his next of kin a.k.a. his wife but the trusty nurse found her number and the wife arrived. The husband insisted that he hurt himself by falling out of the window while he was cleaning the windows. The police then came in and asked him a few questions and before you knew it, the wife started beating this man up, full-on punching him and whacking him with her handbag. The poor guy went into cardiac arrest right there. The doctor was like “dude, what have you taken so I can help you and this heart attack” and the patient had to come clean about everything: he had called a prostitute over, they snorted a load of cocaine, he wanted to write her a cheque (who writes cheques?!), she wasn’t having it so she chucked him out the window. The doctor ended up giving him aspirin for a heart attack. Aspirin, guys.
But if outrageous sex won’t land some of you in hospital, having a baby will.
It’s a beautiful thing, in all honesty. Pregnancy is just one of those phenomenons of life that I truly cannot wait to experience. Bringing forth new life, being a mummy, holding a freshly hatched baby, it’s just too amazing to comprehend. But, all in due time, of course. I’m always talking about babies but seeing my newest cousin was just something else. He was 2 days old, a little sack of flesh and blood, confusion and disorientation, completely dependent and utterly mesmerising.
He fell asleep in my arms and I almost took him home. I just want a baby, ok?
The moral of this post: have safe sex, guys. Or no sex at all, whatever floats your boat. If not, you’re going to end up on a gurney, rushed into the Accident & Emergency department of your hospital with the oddest injuries, not being able to look anyone in the eye. Or, if that doesn’t sound bad enough, you could be the one ejecting a human being from your other end or be the one having the life squeezed out of your hand as you wonder why you didn’t pull out or better yet, wear a condom. As my cousin once said, “wrap it before you tap it!”
Song of the Week – Mascara by Jazmine Sullivan https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ed2nSh7QraY
Quote of the Week
P.S pray that it snows soon. Seriously.